Dealing with Emotional Baggage

With the amount of divorce that happens in our society it is no wonder why there are so many step families now.  Growing up in a step family can be difficult for the children, but it is often just as difficult for the step parent coming into the family.

I watched a video this week about some of problems that emotional baggage can cause in step families(and I've even venture to say it happens with other families as well).  This baggage can add an additional weight to a marriage and family that can be crushing without proper commitment.

I'm going to try to link the video at the end and hope that it works.  It is a little cheesy, but I think it does a good job of portraying the types of baggage that we can carry into a relationship.  So how do we deal with the baggage?

There were 3 tips that the video gave:

1. We need to be committed to deal with the problems

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2. We can work on gaining the knowledge needed to deal with the problems.

3. We can work on developing the skills needed to succeed.

The work that is cut ahead of each of us will be difficult, but as we work on changing ourselves we will begin to build a better life for our children, step children, and spouse.  There is a lot of advice available to anyone seeking to better their relationships.  Just remember that the goal is to effectively communicate with your spouse and children to be better able to see what your family needs to do personally to improve.  Don't get discouraged.  Be patient and keep trying :)

Emotional Baggage video

(Please let me know if this video works for you.)

Parenting

Let's face the truth, parenting is hard.  To be honest I can't remember a lot of my childhood and the things that my parents did to raise me.  The greatest thing that I am grateful for though is that my parents tried their hardest to be active parents and help me grow into a responsible adult.
In my house there was no power struggle, there was no manipulation, there was reasoning and love.  My parents usually talked calmly and kindly.  I knew that they wanted the best for me and that they were always looking out for me.  My parents were wonderful, but like all parents they weren't perfect.  There were times when counsel hurt, when words or actions stung more than punishment, and other times when their frustration was noticeable.
Luckily nobody expects us to be perfect.  Overall my parents are still wonderful and loving.  I wouldn't trade them for anybody else.

I want to focus a portion of my post to this quote.  As parents (or future parents), we need to learn that our actions and words do affect other people.  As a parent we will have an opportunity everyday to help our children grow closer to us or further away.  We can become a great blessing or a major weight in their life.  This is why we need to make sure that we are raising our children right.
Now, I know that this may be a very touchy subject, so I'm going to tread a little carefully, However, I hope you will agree with me that parents and children should have strong positive bonds.
While there may not be a single way of parenting that works for all children, there are some tips that can help us as we try to be better parents, (or once more, learn to become parents).
1.  Develop a positive relationship:  We need to be able to talk to our children(especially teenagers).  If our relationship is strained and nonexistent then it will be difficult to be able to help them grow and learn.  Developing this relationship begins when they are young.  We cannot guide children when there is no foundation.  We may manipulate, but we are trying to help them become responsible adults, not slaves.  Ultimately manipulation and punishment will never be enough to guide children and help them grow.
2.  Counsel with your children:  The time for domination has come to an end, now is the time for cooperation.  Work with your children to decide guidelines/rules, teach them how to do things, treat them with respect.  When they do something that hurts you, or annoys you let them know in a direct and kind manner.  With counseling we should strive to understand each other and show that we are really interested in them as a person.  A small word on counseling to determine guidelines/rules, we need to make sure that we protect our children from potential sources of danger.  It would be wise to let them make unsafe choices.
The last thing I want to write is that every child is different and we need to pay attention to them as individuals, not just our children.  It would be wise to give them chances to grow and learn.  This is one of the things that I personally wished I had done more of in my childhood... It would have been nice to be more prepared to make the personal decisions that everybody will face.  Lets love our children and help them prepare for this crazy world.  If that means changing some negative things about our parenting, or just preparing ourselves to be parents by changing our life style to be more healthy and responsible then so be it.  Overall it is most important for us to help them.  We can do it!

Don't Spend what you don't have

Growing up I always heard the simple yet profound advice from my grandpa, "Don't spend what you don't have".  In our world filled with credit cards and an extreme amount of debt maybe we could all apply this advice a little more carefully.  This statement from my Grandpa is one of the great lessons that I have learned about finance.  I want to add a few things that have helped me in some situations.  First of all, I know that some debt is unavoidable, but excessive debt is.  By only getting in debt for things  that we can support eventually, (like getting a decent home over an already beautiful one) ultimately we need to think about our income and how long it will take us to get out of debt and try everything that we can to get out of debt.
  The reason why I want to focus on finances in this post is because the problems caused from finances can cause extreme stress and conflict in marriages and families.  By controlling ourselves and exercising some basic wisdom a lot of this stress can be avoided.
A principle that has helped me is prioritizing the use of money.  As a student attending college I have learned that I need to pay my college costs and living costs first before splurging a little or I will most likely end up eating ramen for a good majority of my time here.  (Not that I don't like ramen... but diversity is good.)  If we can learn to accurately measure the difference between the things that we need and the things that we want we can more likely avoid potential difficulties that could arise from how we manage our money.
Another thing that has helped me manage my money has been a budget.  Now, I'l be the first to admit that I really don't like budgeting, but the money I have saved from doing it has been worth it.  By lining up all the costs and incomes for a month we can come up with a plan to have enough money to get by.  This part of the process requires communication between partners.  This opportunity can be a great chance to practice counseling with spouses and other relationships where money is shared.  By coming up with a plan together there will be a greater responsibility on both parties to continue with the plan and hold each other accountable.  By doing it this way we can avoid a lot of the communication problems that money causes when it is handled by one person in the relationship without much discussion.
Another principle that is particularly hard for me is saving money, but as we live our plan and prioritize it will become easier for everyone.  By putting aside a little bit of money from our income we will be better prepared for when crisis and surprises happen in our life.  Notice how I didn't say if.  These situations are going to happen to everyone, our cars might break down, there might be a medical emergency, or we might just need a little extra money to go to that party that we really want to.  Saving money and using it wisely can help us with all of these situations.
Now, I'm no professional at money, and quite frankly my own managing style can use a little work, but I know that as we use our money wisely and efficiently we will be able to cut a big stress out of our life.  Even if we haven't been living efficiently so far we can get there.  Start by making a plan for yourself and evaluate how it is going frequently.  I recommend reading the pamphlet "One For the Money" (you can download the pamphlet for free from this link.)
In this world that is filled with so much stress already, lets try to control this potential stress before it becomes a problem.  Have a great week!

The power of Communication

For a majority of my life I have heard many people in conversations say that the most important thing in any relationship is open communication.  I never really gave this much thought other than about how hard it would be for me to share everything that popped into my head with somebody.  That always frightened me, because like most people sometimes I am not thinking the most kind things about people or situations.  It would probably be more destructive to a relationship to share everything I thought.  Luckily, the key to a good relationship is effective communication.  There is a need to be honest, kind, and open when talking with someone important to you.  It helps when both people can feel like they are free to say the things that matter to them and to the relationship.  By establishing this kind of communication early on in relationships couples will have better insights into solving arguments than those who have closed communication.
Another solid practice that can help with communication and understanding is to confirm with your significant other what they said.  I know that I have gotten into many stupid situations because I thought I heard someone say something that they didn't.  By asking someone, "Is this what you mean?" and then relaying what you heard it will be easier to avoid possible misunderstandings with people and avoid frustrating situations.  In this world of so much conversations going on, between our phones, emails, facebook, and people around us it can be very easy to misunderstand something that we hear because we weren't really listening or they casually mentioned it.  It would be in everyone's benefit to learn how to listen and how to communicate clearly.  Really it comes down to the amount of time that we want to devote.

Dealing with Stress

Everybody goes through stressful events in this life.  Eventually everyone will go through some kind of crisis as well.  It would be helpful for everyone to develop the skills and attitudes that help deal with stress and crisis.  For me I can the tell the difference between trying to deal with something in a good way or just putting it off.  I have to admit that I use denial way more than I would like.  Having had this type of coping mechanism though, I have come to realize that in some ways denial can be useful for gathering appropriate resources to deal with a problem, however when taken to the extreme usage of denial it will only prolong and worsen stress which could eventually lead to a crisis in of its self.  A healthy coping mechanism that can help with stress is to face the problem head on and to recognize it for what it really is.  This process actually includes two coping processes, the first is facing the trial which is the obvious one.  The second is re-framing the stress in your mind.  re-framing isn't denying or putting off the problem, it is rather saying something like this, "I know that right now this is going on... but it won't last forever so I can do this."  By doing this it can help us reduce the stress and gain the courage to continue forward.

Now before I end, I really want to mention a coping mechanism that has worked wonders for me.  Prayer has really helped me as I turn to the Lord and give him all of my thoughts and work with him to re-frame them.  I know that a lot of people won't find this useful for them, but for me talking to my Heavenly Father has helped me understand what I'm going through and given me ideas on what I can do to survive/continue forward.  If you are dealing with something that is super stressful and nothing else seems to work I would recommend prayer.  We will all face stress and crisis eventually, so lets make sure that we are prepared to deal with them when they come.

Love making shouldn't have the worth of pretzels

Sexual intimacy is a super important part of marriage.  Sex in a marriage can either bring the couple closer together or further apart and the result depends largely upon what each individual is trying to get out of the experience.  Healthy sexual intimacy is based on loving intent and communication.  It is obvious to me that with two different individuals, with different comforts and likes, would need to communicate openly about what feels nice and what doesn't.  Sexual intimacy is something that should be treated like large wrapped gift from a rich family member.  It should be unwrapped carefully by both individuals in the couple, by rushing and aggressively unwrapping the present the couple(or an individual in the couple) might damage the very thing that should have meant so much more to them.  This metaphor works both with virgins and people who have had other sexual experiences because for every newly wedded couple the sexual intimacy is going to be a new experience between them.  There is no cookie cutter method that fits all because everyone is different, that is why open communication and loving care to your partner are so important.

To finish this blog off I want to end by mentioning that when I was growing up I learned from wise mentors around me that people in our society give kisses and other intimate gestures like pretzels.  With the news, media, and songs that are so prevalent in our society I have grown to think that a lot of people treat sex like it is a pretzel now, something that is delicious but ultimately worth nothing.  Our society has moved further away from love making towards sex.  Lets bring the love back and make the relationships that matter to us more precious.  

Strengthening Couple Bonds

Marriage is a difficult experience.  It is difficult for various reasons and often each couple has unique challenges in their marriage.  Individual challenges aside, there are somethings that are hard for most couples to adjust to and one of those things is childbirth.  There are several things that we can do to help avoid some of the struggles that come from this hard time.  One of the most important things that I suggest is to make sure that couples work on their relationship often and openly.  Growing up Friday night has almost always been date night for my parents.  They would leave me and my four siblings at home and go watch a movie and eat dinner together.  This has always stood out to me, when I was young it was a little annoyed that I couldn't go have fun with them, but I realize now that by keeping that night separate for their relationship was a way that they could connect one on one and strengthen their marriage that way.  Another thing that can be done to strengthen a couple's relationship is by involving the husband in the prenatal and postnatal processes of childbirth.  This is of course assuming that the husband is willing to participate and get excited with the wife.  The wife has a challenging time with pregnancy, however she also has a chance to bond with the child before they are born.  A woman can involve her husband by describing what it feels like when the baby kicks.  Perhaps the most important thing about coming closer during this time is to look towards each other for help and support and not mainly on extended family.  Another vital thing to do for the family to bond is to have the husband in the delivery room with the wife.  It should be an experience that is shared between the couple.
I understand that not every couple will have the chance to do many of the things in here.  The most important thing to remember is that the couple needs to focus on building a strong and healthy relationship with each other.  If anything starts dragging the couple apart then steps should be taken by the couple to protect what their relationship as husband and wife.  Overall this means work from both the Husband and the Wife.